Of all the gin joints in all the towns in all the world, she walks into mine.

here's lookin' at you kid.
Greatest movie ever.

I ran out of titles a long time ago.

I have been living inside of my head the past few days. I make up scenarios and I try to entertain myself and I think that I'm going crazy. I'm pretty positive that I need new friends, friends who actually want to spend time with me and can spend time with me and who will call me. It's not that I dislike my current friends, not at all I love them like family, but I need some change. However, I am afraid that I'm not interesting enough or outgoing enough to make new friends. It was so easy to make friends in elementary, middle, and high school and I have a terrible feeling that DVC will be drastically different.
I'm just worried. I'm worried about everything. I'm worried about my mental state, my physical state, my family situation, my friend situation.. Just my life situation in general.
I can't be positive anymore because I'm so worried..
It's terrible. I feel so bad about myself.
Fuck.



adieu,
Nikki

Future plans..

I want to write a book. I have my mind made up and I want to write a book. And not just a bullshit book, a legitimate book with substance that makes you think. I want to travel and experience life to its full extent and write about anything and everything I can come up with. I want someone to read it and set it down and say, "Wow.. That was a good book." and I don't care if only one person in the entire world reads it, as long as I'm happy with it and I'm proud of it, that's all that matters. I don't want it to change the world, but I do want it to change my life. I want it to enlighten one individual like me and change their life. I want to write a book.
I want to change myself with that book, but not in a bad way. I want it to help me grow up.


My next ambition, change the world.
And after that, change the universe.
And after that, have everything go back to normal and get married to a nice Scottish boy and pop out a few kids.

I've made up my mind.


adieu,
Nikki

Cellar Door

I think that my mental state has improved between the time of my last post and this one. I just have to come to terms with a few things, which I hate to do and that is why I have yet to do so. I just need someone unexpected to come back into my life or into it in general. Someone who knows nothing of my situation I have been dealing with so I can just vent to them, so I can just let it all out because I haven't been able to do that with most of my friends I've talked to about it. I love them for being there and they have exceeded my expectations but sometimes all you need is to talk to a stranger face to face and hope that they can help in some way. Aside from that, So far so good on project "Staying busy", which is helping a lot.
Well, another "clusterfuck", for lack of a better word, has jammed itself in between the line of mind numbing pain and mental restoration in my lovely family. Shit happens I guess and there's nothing I can do, or want to do for that matter. My best bet at the moment is to keep my mouth shut because it has definitely gotten me in trouble in the past with a few individuals from my afflicted family.
I know, as a reader, you couldn't care less about my ridiculous family and their ridiculous issues and I still don't know if anyone even reads what I write or listens to what I have to say but if you do, thank you.
I know one thing, I have to remain close with the ones I love and trust because once you let them slip away, even a little, they may do something that will hurt you tremendously and frankly, I'm sick and tired of being hurt and taken advantage of. I just hope that everything will take a turn for the better very soon because I'm frightened to see how much worse it can get.



until next time,
Nikki

Get me out of my mind..

I thought I was doing well.. But I'm not. Not in the least.
To make matters worse, my dog Bullseye, who was actually my late granfather's dog, is dying. I feel like getting in my car and just driving. I don't care where but somewhere, I have to go. I can't be here right now. I can't deal with any of this, It's like there's just no way for me to cope. I can't keep my mind off of it because that's all anyone talks about, the only way that I can be comforted right now is if I get my mind to travel somewhere where I don't have to hear or talk about my uncle's death or my uncle's memorial or my uncle's viewing or the fact that I'm being a terrible grand daughter by not visiting my grandparents yet.. I can't, I'm not strong enough. I can't do this right now.

Please wake up Nikki, wake up.. wake up..

You're only a day away..

Every day draws closer to closure. Every day draws closer to healing from this black cloud over my family. All I want to do is be the strong one but every day its gets harder and harder to keep it all together. I don't know what to do, I don't know what to say, I feel like I don't know anything. I just want to wake up.. I want this all the be a horrible dream and I want to wake up, I want it to be over. Yesterday, when I was alone with my thoughts, I knew I had to go somewhere, anywhere, I just had to go. I wanted to go to a church and scream and cry and yell at God for doing this, I wanted to go somewhere where someone could give me a pill to forget everything, I wanted to go far far away and forget alllllll about the events of the day.. But I couldn't.. I went to Brooke's house because I knew she knows that I'm going through and she made me feel moderately better.

I sit here and I ask why? why did this happen to us? why now? why a week after graduation? I didn't even get a chance to give him my senior picture.. I didn't even get a chance to tell him my plans for my future.. I didn't get a chance to say good-bye.. none of us did.. The last time I saw my uncle was at Easter and I can't even remember the last thing I said to him. I kick myself for not spending more time with my family, for not checking up on them, for not visiting, for not calling.. For not being there..

So far, being an adult isn't all it's cracked up to be. Every other time my mom's on the phone she's crying, every other time I look at my dad he has a blank stare on his face, every other time I see my sister she has a look of pain and sadness in her blue eyes, every other time I catch myself I'm thinking of him or the look on his son's face when he was told his father had died.. I can't see my cousins or my aunt or my grandparents but I know they need me.. I have to be strong, I can't cry every other time someone sees me, I can't have a blank stare every other time I'm looked at, my eyes can't be full of pain and sadness every time someone looks into them.. I have to be strong, I can only think, I can't show..
I'm afraid that I'm not strong enough to do that, what then? I become human again, that's what.

Time will heal eventually, I just have to let it.. I can't put it in the back of my mind like last time. I have to come to terms with it.

I can't believe this happened..
Please let me wake up.. Let this be a horrible dream.. Wake up Nikki, wake up..

Unexpected Loss..

This morning, I was woken up by my mother crying and to the terrible news that my 39 year old Uncle Jamie had passed away in his sleep from what they believe to be a heart attack..
I was in shock.. I still am.. I can't believe it nor do I want to. I can't stop thinking about the 6 year old daughter and 12 year old son he left behind along with his amazing wife. His kids won't have their dad at their graduation or their weddings, they won't have a dad to watch them grow up or go to college.. It's not fair.
He was the youngest of 5 boys, my grandma lost her baby..
I can't imagine what it would be like to lose my father or my child and I don't want to.
I can't believe this happened. I only hope that I can be strong enough to push through this and I wish that his kids and wife can prevail in some way and carry on his memory.


hug your dad and tell him how much you love him because you never know when he's going to be gone..


adieu,
Nikki




R.I.P.
Jamie Franklin, I love you and I'll miss you until the day I die.