You're only a day away..

Every day draws closer to closure. Every day draws closer to healing from this black cloud over my family. All I want to do is be the strong one but every day its gets harder and harder to keep it all together. I don't know what to do, I don't know what to say, I feel like I don't know anything. I just want to wake up.. I want this all the be a horrible dream and I want to wake up, I want it to be over. Yesterday, when I was alone with my thoughts, I knew I had to go somewhere, anywhere, I just had to go. I wanted to go to a church and scream and cry and yell at God for doing this, I wanted to go somewhere where someone could give me a pill to forget everything, I wanted to go far far away and forget alllllll about the events of the day.. But I couldn't.. I went to Brooke's house because I knew she knows that I'm going through and she made me feel moderately better.

I sit here and I ask why? why did this happen to us? why now? why a week after graduation? I didn't even get a chance to give him my senior picture.. I didn't even get a chance to tell him my plans for my future.. I didn't get a chance to say good-bye.. none of us did.. The last time I saw my uncle was at Easter and I can't even remember the last thing I said to him. I kick myself for not spending more time with my family, for not checking up on them, for not visiting, for not calling.. For not being there..

So far, being an adult isn't all it's cracked up to be. Every other time my mom's on the phone she's crying, every other time I look at my dad he has a blank stare on his face, every other time I see my sister she has a look of pain and sadness in her blue eyes, every other time I catch myself I'm thinking of him or the look on his son's face when he was told his father had died.. I can't see my cousins or my aunt or my grandparents but I know they need me.. I have to be strong, I can't cry every other time someone sees me, I can't have a blank stare every other time I'm looked at, my eyes can't be full of pain and sadness every time someone looks into them.. I have to be strong, I can only think, I can't show..
I'm afraid that I'm not strong enough to do that, what then? I become human again, that's what.

Time will heal eventually, I just have to let it.. I can't put it in the back of my mind like last time. I have to come to terms with it.

I can't believe this happened..
Please let me wake up.. Let this be a horrible dream.. Wake up Nikki, wake up..