Get me out of my mind..

I thought I was doing well.. But I'm not. Not in the least.
To make matters worse, my dog Bullseye, who was actually my late granfather's dog, is dying. I feel like getting in my car and just driving. I don't care where but somewhere, I have to go. I can't be here right now. I can't deal with any of this, It's like there's just no way for me to cope. I can't keep my mind off of it because that's all anyone talks about, the only way that I can be comforted right now is if I get my mind to travel somewhere where I don't have to hear or talk about my uncle's death or my uncle's memorial or my uncle's viewing or the fact that I'm being a terrible grand daughter by not visiting my grandparents yet.. I can't, I'm not strong enough. I can't do this right now.

Please wake up Nikki, wake up.. wake up..

You're only a day away..

Every day draws closer to closure. Every day draws closer to healing from this black cloud over my family. All I want to do is be the strong one but every day its gets harder and harder to keep it all together. I don't know what to do, I don't know what to say, I feel like I don't know anything. I just want to wake up.. I want this all the be a horrible dream and I want to wake up, I want it to be over. Yesterday, when I was alone with my thoughts, I knew I had to go somewhere, anywhere, I just had to go. I wanted to go to a church and scream and cry and yell at God for doing this, I wanted to go somewhere where someone could give me a pill to forget everything, I wanted to go far far away and forget alllllll about the events of the day.. But I couldn't.. I went to Brooke's house because I knew she knows that I'm going through and she made me feel moderately better.

I sit here and I ask why? why did this happen to us? why now? why a week after graduation? I didn't even get a chance to give him my senior picture.. I didn't even get a chance to tell him my plans for my future.. I didn't get a chance to say good-bye.. none of us did.. The last time I saw my uncle was at Easter and I can't even remember the last thing I said to him. I kick myself for not spending more time with my family, for not checking up on them, for not visiting, for not calling.. For not being there..

So far, being an adult isn't all it's cracked up to be. Every other time my mom's on the phone she's crying, every other time I look at my dad he has a blank stare on his face, every other time I see my sister she has a look of pain and sadness in her blue eyes, every other time I catch myself I'm thinking of him or the look on his son's face when he was told his father had died.. I can't see my cousins or my aunt or my grandparents but I know they need me.. I have to be strong, I can't cry every other time someone sees me, I can't have a blank stare every other time I'm looked at, my eyes can't be full of pain and sadness every time someone looks into them.. I have to be strong, I can only think, I can't show..
I'm afraid that I'm not strong enough to do that, what then? I become human again, that's what.

Time will heal eventually, I just have to let it.. I can't put it in the back of my mind like last time. I have to come to terms with it.

I can't believe this happened..
Please let me wake up.. Let this be a horrible dream.. Wake up Nikki, wake up..

Unexpected Loss..

This morning, I was woken up by my mother crying and to the terrible news that my 39 year old Uncle Jamie had passed away in his sleep from what they believe to be a heart attack..
I was in shock.. I still am.. I can't believe it nor do I want to. I can't stop thinking about the 6 year old daughter and 12 year old son he left behind along with his amazing wife. His kids won't have their dad at their graduation or their weddings, they won't have a dad to watch them grow up or go to college.. It's not fair.
He was the youngest of 5 boys, my grandma lost her baby..
I can't imagine what it would be like to lose my father or my child and I don't want to.
I can't believe this happened. I only hope that I can be strong enough to push through this and I wish that his kids and wife can prevail in some way and carry on his memory.


hug your dad and tell him how much you love him because you never know when he's going to be gone..


adieu,
Nikki




R.I.P.
Jamie Franklin, I love you and I'll miss you until the day I die.