I ran out of titles a long time ago.

I have been living inside of my head the past few days. I make up scenarios and I try to entertain myself and I think that I'm going crazy. I'm pretty positive that I need new friends, friends who actually want to spend time with me and can spend time with me and who will call me. It's not that I dislike my current friends, not at all I love them like family, but I need some change. However, I am afraid that I'm not interesting enough or outgoing enough to make new friends. It was so easy to make friends in elementary, middle, and high school and I have a terrible feeling that DVC will be drastically different.
I'm just worried. I'm worried about everything. I'm worried about my mental state, my physical state, my family situation, my friend situation.. Just my life situation in general.
I can't be positive anymore because I'm so worried..
It's terrible. I feel so bad about myself.
Fuck.



adieu,
Nikki

Future plans..

I want to write a book. I have my mind made up and I want to write a book. And not just a bullshit book, a legitimate book with substance that makes you think. I want to travel and experience life to its full extent and write about anything and everything I can come up with. I want someone to read it and set it down and say, "Wow.. That was a good book." and I don't care if only one person in the entire world reads it, as long as I'm happy with it and I'm proud of it, that's all that matters. I don't want it to change the world, but I do want it to change my life. I want it to enlighten one individual like me and change their life. I want to write a book.
I want to change myself with that book, but not in a bad way. I want it to help me grow up.


My next ambition, change the world.
And after that, change the universe.
And after that, have everything go back to normal and get married to a nice Scottish boy and pop out a few kids.

I've made up my mind.


adieu,
Nikki

Cellar Door

I think that my mental state has improved between the time of my last post and this one. I just have to come to terms with a few things, which I hate to do and that is why I have yet to do so. I just need someone unexpected to come back into my life or into it in general. Someone who knows nothing of my situation I have been dealing with so I can just vent to them, so I can just let it all out because I haven't been able to do that with most of my friends I've talked to about it. I love them for being there and they have exceeded my expectations but sometimes all you need is to talk to a stranger face to face and hope that they can help in some way. Aside from that, So far so good on project "Staying busy", which is helping a lot.
Well, another "clusterfuck", for lack of a better word, has jammed itself in between the line of mind numbing pain and mental restoration in my lovely family. Shit happens I guess and there's nothing I can do, or want to do for that matter. My best bet at the moment is to keep my mouth shut because it has definitely gotten me in trouble in the past with a few individuals from my afflicted family.
I know, as a reader, you couldn't care less about my ridiculous family and their ridiculous issues and I still don't know if anyone even reads what I write or listens to what I have to say but if you do, thank you.
I know one thing, I have to remain close with the ones I love and trust because once you let them slip away, even a little, they may do something that will hurt you tremendously and frankly, I'm sick and tired of being hurt and taken advantage of. I just hope that everything will take a turn for the better very soon because I'm frightened to see how much worse it can get.



until next time,
Nikki